you are our wild. : January 2011

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. ~Maya Angelou

This past year has really shown me that God is good. He is faithful. He is constant. He cares. He is able. He loves us. He is powerful.

I have trusted in Your mercy. —Psalm 13:5

It has been a very challenging year. a wonderful year. a hard year. a blessed year. a joyful year. a year of growth… and of new beginnings. Looking back, I am grateful for the sufferings we encountered. Of course, when you are in the middle of it, you can’t (or I didn’t) see it as a blessing. I know that God chose us to suffer for Him and to show others how glorious He is. I have always known God, but after this battle, I know Him on such a more intimate level. He gives me peace and comfort. It was the hardest thing we have ever faced...but He never left our side. Even when we felt like all hope was lost, He was there. He is always there...even when you don't feel it.

My love for Him has grown in ways beyond words. I found out that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I decided I had two paths.. to get angry and bitter at God, or give it to God and allow Him to work for our good. I chose the latter. God used this situation to make me grow. He could have stopped it or even prevented it from happening. But He allowed it to pass. This wasn’t a surprise to Him. I won’t ever fully understand the entire purpose for it right now. We are limited in our own understanding. I choose to let God use what I considered bad.. for good. It will be purposeful.. not purposeless.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine. Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. -Luke 22:42–43

What we went through was not intended to hurt us.. it was in all honesty, mercy. It was for His glory. I always knew that God was with me. But I didn’t understand the purpose in the pain. My first response was “WHY”. Why are you allowing us to go through this? Why is our son at stake? Why did this happen to us? Why can’t things go the way I wanted it to? Why can’t you end this… right now. why, why, why, why, why. But God doesn’t show us where He is taking us. We just have to trust Him. And that is what I had to learn how to do. It was incredibly hard and there were many tears and times we pleaded for it all to go away. During a low point, we were ready to leave everything behind and move. So we could begin our life as a family, not fight with everything we had to keep him.

Making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ. –Ephesians 1:9

We went through so many stages.. our hearts were hopeful, aching, empty, joyful, doubtful, scared, hurting, mad, anxious... The tactic our lawyers chose was a long shot. We decided to go a different route, by going up the next level to the Court of Appeals. They appealed it before we even had a trial. Long story short (and I've tried to block out a lot), our lawyers told us that many things do not get cancelled by the Court of Appeals. They told us it was less than a one percent chance it would end as it did. We prepared for the worst.. to go and fight with everything we had ... but hoped for the best .. it all to end.

Now all the GLORY to God who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. –Ephesians 3:20

Through the glory of God, on Thursday, May 20th, we got one of the best calls of our entire life. It is finished. Over... Done. It made history. And God was so ever present on our case. He had it all along. I read this quote and it is so true.. "God chooses to act in our moments of weaknesses so that his grace will be that much more." It was hard to see that through the pain. But He did. And I rejoice.

The LORD will fight for you, and you have only need to be silent. -Exodus 14:14

Many people know the story of Jesus healing the blind man in the Book of John. The disciples of Jesus looked at the blind man and automatically assumed that the man or his parents sinned for him to be blind. Take a look at what Jesus says in John 9:3... “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." That right gets me speechless.

God use all things for His glory.

He taught me how to love unconditionally those who hurt us, and more importantly, how to forgive. God has challenged me and made me get over many things I thought I never could. And I didn’t get there by my own works. I have strength from Him. I could not do this alone. I know most think I am crazy at what I am doing. but in my heart, I know I am doing the exact thing that God does for us. He forgives us with open arms. no questions asked. God gives us mercy we don't deserve. I am not boasting at what I am doing in anyway. I am just acting out on what God has laid onto my heart.

I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. -Philippians 1:12

He gave me the strength.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. -Colossians 3:12

Slowly over the past five months, I have become close to noah’s birthmom. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done.. but the easiest. if that makes any sense. I know the earlier events were not what we imagined. This is not what I wanted. But maybe, just maybe this will make our relationship even stronger for all of us; and more importantly, for Noah. And I am so glad that He has placed me where I am.. God takes things that seem bad and uses them for good.

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. - John 15:11-12

Although she caused us so much hurt, so much pain, so many tears, so much anxiety , so much hurt, so much anger… I still love her. I don’t accept what happened.. but I can choose to learn and grow from what we encountered. One day when I was really struggling and doubting my next steps, God led me to this verse...

I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. - 2 Corinthians 2:10-11

And I did not feel this way at all last year. But God changed my heart. He changed Jim’s heart. We couldn't do this alone. It was by the grace of God.

When he turned his back to leave Samuel, God gave him another heart. - 1 Samuel 10:9

It took a lot of work, hundreds of prayers, fear, excitement, many thoughts of doubt before proceeding. I decided it was time for me to do what God graciously does for us. He loves each of us with unfailing love. Everything that happened, it was allowed for some reason. And I know He is using this mightily for His glory. As God forgives us, I want to step up to be a testimony of what can happen with His love.

God is good, all of the time.

And maybe this will give someone out there a little hope.

noah had his FIRST birthday party today. i can't believe it. what a year of blessings! noah loves cows so i decided to have a cow themed birthday party. i made most of the decorations and i swear i worked on his banner and cupcake toppers for 10 hours total. he won't remember it.. but i will. i will do anything on this world for him :) we just had a simple get together with our family.. and of course noah got way too many cool things. we are blessed to have such an awesome family who loves him so incredibly much! he got a really cool smart trike, elmo, elmo piano book, a cool tent and tunnel, fridge magnets, money for his college, stack blocks, mega block table, cars, books, a leapster dog and more things i can't remember. and after all the gifts.. the thing he loved the most was the $1 ribbon. sigh.